GLEE S01E10: BALLADS CRUSH CRUSHES, FEELINGS, AND FAMILIES

All images © FOX

[Ed. Note– Hello monsters! You all know Erika, Glee recapper extraordinaire. Presented is her recap of last week’s show. Season 1, Episode 10: “Ballad” SPOILER ALERT, duh.]

Last week: Everyone was handicapped and Sue Sylvester was human.

Will has a pop quiz for our favorite little singers: What is a ballad? Brittany says it’s a male duck. That would be a mallard, sweetie. Kurt contends that it’s a love song, which is close, but not quite. Apparently, new sectional rules require a ballad (Thanks indirectly to Rachel). On that note, just how many songs will New Directions be performing at sectionals?

Anyway, Will is dividing the Gleeks into pairs to sing ballads. Matt (the not-Asian football player) is at the hospital because of a… spider in his ear? Or would that be a nifty tool that many stumped writers refer to as a plot device? So Will is taking Matt’s place for the time being.

If that isn’t enough, Will wants the pairs to be decided by fate. The match-ups are as follows: Puck with Mercedes, Artie with Quinn, Finn with Kurt, Tina with “Other Asian” (Does anyone know his name?!), and Santana with Brittany. Kurt looks like his wildest dreams are about to come true.

Will, who is saddled with Rachel, does not look as enthusiastic. Artie asks for clarification on what a “ballad” is and clever Rachel suggests a demonstration. Will and Rachel sing the Lionel Ritchie and Diana Ross duet “Endless Love”. The voiceovers speak for themselves.

While Kurt, Puck, and Finn are thinking about Diana Ross, underwear (er…lack of it), and butts, Rachel is falling head over heels in love with Will. Will, on the other hand, realizes he made a bad call. No, really?

Meanwhile…Quinn is getting married. No, wait, she’s just getting into a white lacy dress in preparation for the Chastity Ball. Huh. While her mom gushes, Quinn is missing her Cheerios uniform. The fallen cheerleader captain is putting on the baby pounds, which makes her dress just a tad too small. Her mother is delightfully unsuspecting… right? Quinn’s dad, excited about the dress, the ball, and Glenn Beck, announces that he’s invited Finn over for Sunday dinner. The daughter looks… terrified.

Rachel is traveling down a dark road. She schedules a present and gives Will a satin, star-covered tie. What?

In other news, Emma is back! And blurting things about Will’s major sex appeal. We love Emma. Sit tight, kiddies, because Will has the harrowing tale of Susie Pepper to share with our dear guidance counselor.

Susie is strange, socially awkward, and mildly attractive. Oh, and completely obsessed with Will. Or was. Until Will got sick of the presents and the stalker phone calls at 3am and told her to stop. She then attempted suicide with… the hottest pepper in the world? Only in Glee. Luckily, she lived, after an esophagus transplant, three days of a medically induced coma, and intense psychotherapy.

Emma, in her wisdom, suggests that Will should sing his feelings to Rachel.

Kurt and Finn are working at their ballads. Finn snaps at Kurt. Kurt blames it on girls. Is he trying to turn Finn? We’re rooting for you, Kurt.

Finn, completely clueless, spills on his anxiety about Quinn giving away the baby. His baby. Er…what he thinks is his baby. Kurt has a song ready for Finn to sing. And we learn that Kurt plays piano. Why are all these children so talented?!

Finn gives a rendition of “I’ll Stand By You” from The Pretenders.

He sings it… to the sonogram. Maybe he should think about investing in a better football helmet, once he’s done paying baby bills.

However, he should have done this with his computer facing away from his door because Momma Hudson walks in and sees him singing to the sonogram. Busted! She confronts him and he breaks down in tears. She holds him and tells him that everything is going to be okay—the perfect, understanding parent.

Quinn, however, is not happy. She is pissed that Finn broke down and received comfort from his mother because no one can patch up her chew toy. Right? Honestly Finn, baby that is not yours aside, what do you see in her? The other Gleeks look on, pitying the constant baby drama.

Kurt is acting as an inside agent. And still trying to convince Finn to be gay. “It’s because she’s a girl,” he says. Our Kurt admits to being madly in love with Finn, his “knight in shining armor.” He says it only got stronger after bonding over Glee, football, and skin care. (O…kay?)

Kurt finds Finn’s stupidity “charming.” His ultimate plan? Get close to Finn so that he’ll be the shoulder for Finn’s tears when Quinn disappoints him. Which she will. Hopefully.

At practice, Will has a ballad for Rachel. Emma is also present, saying that she wanted to learn the “power of the ballad” for SAT prep.

Actually, she was there for moral support. Also, Will needed a witness, in case the plan went foul.

Will sings a mash up of “Young Girl” by Union Gap and “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by The Police. Wow. Will has quite the dreamy voice.

Emma and Rachel are loving it, especially when he belts it out on the piano.

I’m sorry to say this Will, but this was NOT a good idea. Rachel totally misses the intent. Emma’s moral support evaporated into breathless fan girl applause.

Oh, and now Susie Pepper is stalking Rachel.

So Kurt is helping Finn dress for dinner at the Fabray’s. They discuss their respective dead parents (because Finn is raiding his dad’s old clothes) and get onto the subject of the baby. He compares himself to his father and gushes about how pathetic he is because he can’t tell Quinn’s parents what is going on. Kurt suggests having the right weapon.

Kurt suggests that Finn use that “power of the ballad,” which is like the Gleek equivalent of the Force. Use the Ballad, Finn, use the Ballad!

Meanwhile, Will comes home to… Rachel? Oh snap.

As it turns out, Terri let her in. That crazy woman, amused by the crush, is exploiting Rachel’s feelings and applying it to housework. Like cleaning.

Terri is afraid that Will is going to leave her. Angry with his “slightly” unbalanced wife, he storms out of the house to take Rachel home.

Rachel tries to practice the ballad with Will. Her song choice? “Crush” by Jennifer Paige. Yikes.

Just as she gets started, Will cuts her off and asks her about Puck. Go Will. Massive save.

Later, Susie is threatening Rachel about Will… or is she?

As Rachel storms off to stalk Will or something, Mercedes is chatting on the phone with Tina about pregnant hamsters. And the baby drama.

She and Puck are just getting ready to start their rehearsal when Mercedes tells him about the group’s plan to sing a ballad to Quinn and Finn. Puck feigns indifference. And then blurts out that he’s the father.

Whoa, Puck! Mercedes, however, stays relatively cool. She tells Puck that Quinn chose Finn and to stop messing with her life.

Poor Puck. He really lacks sympathy. 😦

It’s dinnertime with the Fabrays! Daddy Fabray is toasting to his wonderful family when Finn freaks out. He retreats to the restroom and calls his new best bud, Kurt. Kurt tells him to relax and remember what they practiced. Uh oh. That did not sound good. About to give him more advice, Kurt is cut off with, “I have to go. They’ll think I’m pooping.” Finn spends a couple of seconds in the mirror getting pumped.

Go get ‘em, tiger.

Wait… what?

Quinn’s warning alarms start to go off when Finn walks back in with a kitchen radio. Finn, ignoring Quinn’s protests, starts to sing “Having My Baby” by Paul Anka.

BAD FINN. VERY BAD FINN.

At first, the Fabray family thinks this is a cute joke. Finally, Daddy Fabray gets the message and stops the music. He is pissed.

Cue family conference time. Daddy Fabray is mad, Mommy Fabray is quiet, and Quinn accuses her mother of knowing all along and not helping her when she needed it. She says that in their family, “If you don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist.”

Quinn is kicked out.

She begs her father for forgiveness, and help.

He leaves and tells her to get out.

Finn and his mother take in the pregnant teenager.

Then, to distract us from all the serious drama (PHEW!), Susie and Rachel have a bathroom heart-to-heart. She tells Rachel that they’re alike, looking for “boys we can never have.” Susie, the cautionary tale, leaves Rachel with a lot to think about.

Rachel and Will are now in practice. Will stops her before she says anything else and lays his cards on the table. He seems to be bracing himself for the worst when Rachel says she understands. She even brought pink flowers as an apology. Oh, and a note that says:

Will consoles her and tells her that someday there’s going to be a boy that will like everything about her. Then they ditch practice.

But Kurt and Finn are still at it. Kurt actually looks like he feels bad for what his master plan did to Quinn. Yeah, your plan kind of sucked, Kurt.

Trying to lighten the mood, Finn turns the subject to Kurt’s ballad. Kurt blurts, “I honesty love you.” Finn, our star quarterback who always wears his helmet, thinks that this is the title to a “positive and nice and stuff” song.

Mercedes comes in and saves Kurt a potentially awkward explanation. They lead Finn into the choir room. The rest of the Glee club starts the beautiful rendition of “Lean on Me” by Bill Withers. Artie and Mercedes sing the leads. Chills.

Finn is smiling and Quinn is on the verge of tears. The club drags Finn and Quinn out of their chairs for a Glee dance circle and lots of hugs. Mercedes has a killer high note that rounds off the episode with a hopeful, wonderful feeling.

Next Week [Ed. Note: Tonight, we know]: Sue returns to being a kitten-eating monster, we meet the competition, and people turn into hippies.

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