NSFW: THE WORST OF THE WEB

[Ed. Note: The Internet is a terrifying, depraved, evil place populated by monsters who love nightmares (looking at you, faithful readers). Our staff blogger Phillip knows all about it—he is one of you, a fellow monster. Phillip loves spelunking in the Internet, looking for the worst humanity has to offer, and every Sunday he’ll check in with us to talk about the horrors he’s explored and enjoyed since his last post. W is only the beginning of the things this is NSF. This week’s awful subject: 4chan (ololololololololololdongs)]


4chan has melted my brain. It wasn’t something I noticed immediately. But when I had to write something that was both reasonable and not for class, I discovered I couldn’t do it without sounding like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet (insane and on drugs). I knew I had a problem. I’ve heard people call 4chan “The Most Evil Place On The Internet,” among other equally flattering titles. But to me, it’s the most fun place the web has to offer. It is the epitome of what makes this new frontier (the Internets) great.

Zombie Rapist In Chief

There is no censorship on 4chan, and barely any kind of regulations. There are no board executives that decide what kind of programming you consume—all content is user-generated. There is only the general collective, the ebb and flow of opinions and trends, propelled by the untold legions of daily users.

And most importantly, submissions are completely anonymous. On 4chan, you’re free to let the id take over and spew out whatever repressed, depraved nonsense you can stand to type. At any given time, the front page of the ‘random’ section of 4chan (also known by its equally random abbreviation of “/b/”) can display various subjects ranging from clown porn, to gory pictures of dead people, to funny Photoshop experiments. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve called my roommates over in a fit of laughter to make them see the hilarity of /b/ for themselves.

You're so wise, Advise Dog

All of this free porn and entertainment does come at a price. One gets drawn into the site’s language and customs. In 4chan, all men are [REDACTED – offensive term for homosexuals], all women are [REDACTED – crudely described repositories for human reproductive protein fluids], and all minorities are [REDACTED – series of analogous racial slurs]. These days I can’t just look at a puppy and say, “Aw, what a cute little dog.” Instead, I see that same puppy and can’t help but imagine what it would look like if it were raped by some nightmarish hentai sex-octopus while staring right at me, telling me to shake babies for exercise.

Once you get acclimated to the intensity of 4chan, it’s impossible to go back to tamer forms of entertainment like TV or sports. How can I be reasonable and rational when I’ve seen what human beings are really capable of when they’re in an environment where they never have to take responsibilities for their actions? Even worse, I loved every bit of it.

I hope there's room for all of us in JAIL

What lies next for me is unknown. What has been seen, cannot be unseen.

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