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[Ed. Note– Hello monsters! Please welcome our staff blogger Erika into your monster clique. She will be recapping Glee for us every week. SPOILER ALERT, duh. Presented is her recap of last week’s show. Season 1, Episode 8: “Mash-Up”]

So Finn gets a slushie facial because he’s in Glee and has a pregnant girlfriend. The other football player says that it’s a new world order. Sorry Finn.

It's great for exfoliating

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Elsewhere, Ken actually wants to have a wedding ceremony with Emma present (I know, right? So old-fashioned), so they’re going to Hawaii and getting married on the beach. But—woe—they can’t pick their first song. The contenders: “I Could Have Danced All Night” from My Fair Lady and Sisqo’s “The Thong Song” (you read it right). Ken and his money-maker are a great catch, Emma. Good call on keeping the marriage secret. The solution: have Will have a mash-up of those two songs. And give them dance lessons because Ken will pass out if Emma steps on his toenail-less feet.

Will gives the kids their new song of the week: “Bust a Move”. He wants the Gleeks to make an “unexpected” mash-up for the song, kind of like combining chocolate and bacon. Finn can’t sing with corn syrup in his eyes and Puck “doesn’t groove” to that, so, of course, Will takes the lead. Finn can still play drums though, because apparently having corn syrup in your eyes affects your voice, not your vision.

Post-song, Quinn and Finn go to Emma how to be cool, because asking their guidance counselor for advice on navigating the fickle, arbitrary, and incomprehensibly elaborate social currency system of contemporary adolescent culture is a thing high school students do. Last week, Quinn was actually developing some non-sociopathic depth of character, but the slushie war has stripped her of that and left her with the overzealous need to be popular. Apparently, popularity was her mother’s main extra-curricular activity and it got her into Arizona State.

Emma pays no heed, because Will is dancing outside with sunglasses.

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This makes her blurt, “Sunglasses are so sexy.” Fortunately, her quick thinking saves her and Quinn and Finn are left with cookie-cutter guidance counselor advice.

As Will prepares the room for what we can only assume to be dance practice, Emma walks down the school hallway in complete wedding attire. Not only is her wedding dress big and gaudy—complete with veil—there was also a long train. The reason: her cousin didn’t wear her dress to rehearsal and the resulting fight over stepping on the train led to her cousin’s divorce. In Emma’s words: “The priest cried.” Why not get rid of the train?

First song is Ken’s selection, which, of course, Will has to sing to Emma. Which is, of course, unbearably sexy. Emma looks like she’s about to have a heart attack as soon as he takes her hand. Didn’t she cry when Ken touched her arm? But he trips, sending them sprawling on the floor: Emma on top of Will. Ken happens to be looking in on the window while Will suggests a new dress.

Awkward love triangles turn us on

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Meanwhile, Finn is taking the heat from the football team about Glee. The players are viscerally homophobic. Finn attacks the guy who suggests someone else had knocked up Quinn. What will he do if—no, when he learns the truth? Ken breaks up the fight and gives Finn an ultimatum: choose between Glee and Football by practice on Thursday.

But where was Puck during football practice? He’s playing acoustic guitar while Rachel sings “What a Girl Wants” by Christina Aguilera, complete with hairbrush microphone. Uh, what? Puck stops playing and suggests that they make out: ah, I see. Apparently, Puck’s mom told him that he was no better than the people from Schindler’s List because he wasn’t dating a Jewish girl. And then he dreamed about her, deciding that “It was more than a dream, it was a message from God. Rachel was a hot Jew and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.” So Puck and Rachel make out and it’s hot, but we soon seen that Rachel is really imagining its Finn. Refusing sex, she tells the balking Puck that she needs a guy who can sing a solo.

Next Glee rehearsal, Puck is singing “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond for our dear Rachel. Finn notices who Puck is singing to and he looks a little apprehensive… or is he jealous? Obviously he is jealous. The last unnamed cheerleader doesn’t seem to care for him singing to Rachel either, because she looks disgusted, but Quinn looks like she’s falling in love with Puck all over again. Everyone else gets really into it.

So Quinn and Finn take Emma’s advice on how sexy sunglasses are and walk down the hall looking like they stole the glasses from a couple of blind people. Of course, this works, until they get attacked by a hurricane of slushies. Poor Finn. “You can’t do this!” And the final line before the dignified stumbling out: “Bros before Hi Hos, man.”

At least it didn't get in their eyes...

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Finally, Sue makes an appearance! After last week, we thought she and her awesome comments were gone, but there she was talking about how marrying your dog should be legal. And… Sue and Will SWING DANCING? What?! They even look like they’re both having a good time! Everything can be solved through dancing… right?

So we learn that the reason Sue and Will were hanging out is because Sue is smitten with the newscaster. Shock. And she fell in love over a game of Battleship. To win his love, she is learning how to swing for her guy.

But then Sue lets it slip that Ken is making the football Gleeks choose between singing and football. Will and Ken get into it; Ken basically tells Will to leave Emma alone. This wouldn’t be a problem if Will’s wife wasn’t in the picture.

Speaking of relationships, Puck and Rachel are together, walking arm in arm… until Puck gets his first slushie facial. So Rachel, the awesome girlfriend, washes his hair out. The dialogue gets a little cheesy, but we all know that Puck is going back to the football team. And suddenly, Puck is sitting in a bathroom stall, wearing a yarmulke… mohawk and all.

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Only in Glee would Will and Emma go shopping for a wedding dress during their lunch break. And do a ballroom dance in the dress store. Now it’s Emma’s turn and her first actual solo song of the show! She has an awesome voice, despite the bug eyes. I can’t help but think that Emma would not approve of Ken touching her like that, but she seems to love Will as her partner.

On to the showdown: the non-football Gleeks stare at the clock and then at the door, as if this magically signals everyone’s entrance. However! Two of the nameless football players come back, getting hugs from their respective cheerleaders. Puck shows up, very shyly, and gets a touching hug from Rachel.

Finn ditches. Bad Finn. Poor Quinn and her blind-person sunglasses are left hugless.

Later in the hall, Finn has to slushie Kurt in the face, but Kurt slushies himself to prove a point: “Take some time to think whether or not any of your friends in the football team would have done that for you.” Finn looks like he was the one that got slushied.

Meanwhile, Sue, dressed in her zoot suit, finds out that anchorman love is “not exclusive.” She storms out to some epic music.

Accidental crossdressing is the funniest kind

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Rachel and Puck have a heart-to-heart during football practice. Rachel admits her love for Finn and picks up on Puck’s love for Quinn. Everyone feels sorry for the unloved couple. Rachel attempts to stay friends, but Puck blows her off. Bad Puck! At that same practice, Finn and Will have a heart-to-heart about choices over a game of catch, all masculine-like.

So Finn confronts Ken about choosing between Glee and football. Ken concedes, after a little speech from Finn, who waxes fantastical about a utopian future in which Glee has the same social standing as football.

And Sue is back on the side of EVIL! In addition to bossing Will around and threatening him with a kitten and assault, she kicks Quinn off the Cheerios, calls her a disgrace, and finally gets her to take off the blind-person sunglasses. Will tells Emma that “The Thong Song” and “I Could Have Danced All Night” don’t mix, duh, thanks for that revelation, Will, seriously.

The show ends on a high note. Now that Finn’s back in Glee, they have a slushie party. Quinn gets cheered up by the Glee support group. And Will sets himself up for a feel-good slushie shower. “We’re a team. Bring it on. Give me your best shot.”

Student-teacher bonding exercises

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Next Week: Everyone gets handicapped and Finn sings a love song to… Kurt?


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